eleven hours later …

February 15, 2008

yesterday i was at the hospital from 6:30 am, and i got home around 5:30. oh lord. i was so tired. they do not have chairs in the halls at the hospital where i have my current “rotation” (it’s a cardiac telemetry unit), so i think i sat down for about 1 hour yesterday. during lunch. OW.

i feel so incredibly, totally incompetent and retarded at being a nurse. i know i’m just beginning, but my brain just doesn’t seem wired the right way. it’s totally different from anything i’ve ever done and it scares me. it doesn’t come naturally. i know i’m not the only one who feels like this, but it seems like some people just get it really quickly … it’s not like i’ve done anything really unsafe (well, except for getting this old dude out of bed when, oops, it turns out he couldn’t really stand) … but i just miss things. it’s like all these little balls you have to have up in the air all at once, and not only do you have to catch them, but you also have to put them together so you know exactly how they fit. like a puzzle. i’m not very good at puzzles.  i’m especially not good at puzzles when someone is watching over my shoulder.

i’m hoping it will become less puzzling as time goes on. i’m going to try to have faith that i am reasonably intelligent, nice, and able to work hard, and that if all those other people can do it, so can i. yesterday was only my 4th day back in the hospital since november, after all. so it IS understandable that my brain was farting all over the place. right? RIGHT?

i have a classmate who has a brave and good heart. he let me give him an injection yesterday, and then, THEN he let me start an IV in his arm. not once, but twice. because the first time i totally missed the vein. oops, sorry, jon. he was so nice, though, i was grateful. scary shit, sticking needles into other people.

sigh.