Teetering

May 14, 2008

Week 3?  It’s only week 3.  Third semester, third week, oh.  god.

Every time I leave my apartment I have this horrible feeling that I’m forgetting something crucial for my day.  (And the number of times I’ve had to go back –for my stethoscope, a book, my lunch, etc –is very high.)  But it’s SUCH A BAD feeling.

I wake up in a panic every morning, totally disoriented by my alarm clock.  What time is it?  What day is it?  What do I have to do today?  Where am I supposed to be?  Am I late?  Am I ready?  Why is it still so dark, why do I have to get up?

Stressed, yes, just a tad.  And anxious.  Mostly so tired.  I’m really starting to develop my theory that the school of nursing wants us to suffer.  Is this all a big test?  Are they waiting to see who’s going to fess up and say, HOLD ON.  This is too much for me.

That’s what we’re supposed to do when we’re nurses.  We’re not supposed to accept assignments we’re not comfortable with, that we don’t think we can do competently.

One day at a time, that’s my motto.  I lay down to take a nap today and started picturing the little baby I took care of today … did I stick that thermometer too far up her butt?  I didn’t hurt her, did I?  Maybe I should have told the primary nurse about her spitting up later on?  But it wasn’t too much.  Maybe I should have measured her head circumference.  Then I briefly imagined getting a phone call that something I did, today, had killed the baby.

Unlikely, but crap.  Do all nurses go home every day and thank the lord that they didn’t kill anyone this shift?

6 more weeks of the semester.  Suck.  I just want to sleep for a week.

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